It’s Monday morning and I am still in shock. I don’t think it has hit me yet that I won 3rd place. I’ve been kind of.. monotone about the whole situation. Competitions really fuck with your emotions and I am still trying to process how I feel about it all.
My reasons for competing this year was mainly because it was local and I didn’t have to travel far, but also the fact that I hated my competition performance last year and I wanted to do it again as another chance to do my best. It was a personal goal. And I did it. 
I still made a lot of errors. My nerves were trying to get in the way but I kept fighting them. It wasn’t the audience I was afraid of this time. I felt fearless in front of people for the first time in my life. The only thing I was really afraid of was my grip.
Grip is like night and day. Some days you have it, other days you can’t stick to the pole if your life depended on it. Sometimes it’s something you just cannot control no matter how much grip aids you put on. The second I walked out on stage I touched the pole to 1, make sure it was the spinny pole and 2, to get an idea of how my grip is doing. The second I touched the pole I knew how it was going to be, slippery. 
The poles felt hot! Being the fourth last person to perform that night out of 20 something performers never allowed the poles to cool down enough. This was also partly because the entire competition ran so smoothly that there were no interruptions so the poles never had a chance to cool down. This is bad for me. I always want a cold pole believe it or not. But whatever, it is what it is and you just have to adapt and deal with it.
My performance was definitely was better than last year, but still not my best. I still made a lot of sloppy errors that night. I remember I was going to do the tornado and I felt my grip slip for a sec and my leg didn’t come around properly and I hit the pole with my leg and for a split second I had to look up and catch the pole with my foot otherwise I was going to land on my head. I think I recovered myself very well though! I looked at the audience immediately with a smile in my next trick hoping that the judges didn’t notice but I’m sure they did. hahaha. 
My biggest problem under stress or with bad grip is that I rush through moves. There were times when I rushed things and times where I forced myself to slow down. There were a few times I could see my feet not properly pointed. I was going to do a dangerous bird as my finishing move on the pole but as soon as I hooked my leg I could feel that there was no way I could finish this move so I just came down sloppy and improvised. I didn’t like it but oh well. I still think I did great and made it up for last year’s shit show.
Because of how stressful competitions are, I kept telling myself over and over, ‘just have fun’. And I did of course! I love supporting the other competitors too. Everyone feels the same way you do and I hate the way I can feel sometimes so all I want to do is make everyone else feel better. The most heartbreaking thing about pole competitions is seeing the disappointment on the other competitors faces when they didn’t win. I can see how bad they wanted to win and I can tell how hard they worked for this. I just wanna give everyone medals! Everyone’s a winner for just being there! Everyone is unique and amazing in their own way! That’s how I think anyways.
I was pretty surprised when I was called for 3rd place. I was so surprised that I couldn’t move for a second and the next thing I know a medal is around my neck and I’m holding flowers. I was almost sad at moment too. I was sad for another pro girl that I secretly wanted to win. She is an amazing performer and so graceful. It was her first competition and she was really nervous and I could tell she was having doubts. I hugged her after and I don’t remember what I said to her but I didn’t want her to give up and I want her to compete again next year. She is so sweet and I like her and I hope to see her again.
First and second place winners wasn’t a surprise to me. Those girls are so bendy and so perfect at their skills! I know I’m not that far away from them now. After that night I feel like I could get first place some day.. at least for Ontario. I think it’s very achievable if I keep at pole. Maybe not next year, maybe the year after.. maybe who knows! Will I compete again? Most likely. I think I’m hooked!
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who helped run and organize this competition. It was a huge success for the Ontario pole community! Thank you Mary for hosting the comp and organizing it. Thank you Fran for all your help with music and organizing. Shelley you are the best MC in the world! Thank you pole cleaners, you are extremely important in the comp. Thank you judges! Thank you audience for cheering for me. Thank you for letting me be a part of this!
All my dreams keep coming true.
Here’s a close up version Jeanie took. This one is better.
